Anniversary

Six years ago, today, you loaded up everything you had, a pre-lit Christmas tree, some gifts and some very belated flowers, and headed back to Florida from Ohio.  You had left me and the baby, 5 days after she was born, to chase your wife back to Ohio.  How you thought that was the thing to do, is still beyond me. You left me alone, in Florida, to care for a newborn.  I had no one to lend a hand, except for Denise, my doula. That was the toughest thing I have ever done in my life! I remember sitting there, in shock, listening to you tell me that you had to try to work it out with her, she was your wife, blah blah blah. With Ava in my lap, I watched you walk out the door. After you left, I sat there, cried and looked at the beautiful angel in my lap. She just stared up at me, wrinkled her forehead at me. I wondered if she could hear my heart shatter.  So that was it. We were on our own. The man I thought he was, wasn't.  We made it, it was hard. The lack of sleep was horrible, and as a new mom, I couldn't identify what she needed. It was rough on us both. You cheated us out of those beautiful first days. Instead it's a fog. A tired , exhausted fog.  When she would be up crying, I would call you, and cuss you, I hated you for leaving us. Sometimes, I still do. Your wife had plans for you alright. She wasn't going to be taken advantage of again, so when the house sold, and you put your name on the check, she kicked you to the curb. That's probably when you decided to come back to me. Yeah!.... not so much. By the time you got back, Christmas day, my heart had hardened toward you. You were pretty much the last person I wanted to see. "Here's your birthin flowers" What a joke. Where were those flowers after I had our baby? You barely came to visit us in the hospital. A girl I worked with brought me flowers, you didn't. I found out just how strong of a woman I can be, and even though it was hard, I'm glad for it.  As for you, I don't think you ever really grasped the magnitude of what you did when you walked out on us. You still don't.  You think you were some kind of hero coming back to Florida for us. You would have been more of a hero if you had stayed. I was second best, I'm sick of second. You were the last man I loved. I haven't opened my heart to anyone since. Even though I had a brief marriage since then, I didn't love the guy. I guess I gave it all to you and there's nothing else to give as far as a man is concerned. Ava gets all of my heart now. She is my heart. A while back she was sitting with me on the couch, and she put her hand on mine and says, "Mommy, when I was in heaven with the angels, I chose you to be my Mom, I knew you needed me." So, she is very much my angel, my saving grace, my heart. Too bad you couldn't have seen what you had with me, and still don't.